personal

Pebbles and Mud

I am dragged along by the stream, a flood wave washing away all in its wake, and me with it. A stream without shores. Murky, dark and cold. Sometimes violent, uncontrollable, throwing me around, causing bruises and pain. Suffocating as it drags me below. At times quiet, enough so that I can keep my head above the waves, but never enough that I can fight it. Always flowing, and always in the same direction. I remember trying to grab on to something, reaching down to the bottom for anything to grab on to, wanting to stay at that moment of quite. But there is nothing. Only elusive handfuls of mud and gravel. Instead, I put it all in my pockets, desperately trying to at least keep a fragment of that peaceful moment. But I'm soaked and submersed, and slowly the mud just seeps out, like so many memories, soon forgotten. Now when I reach into my pockets, only a few pebbles are left. Those heavy enough to stay at the bottom, or rough enough to hide in the folds. It is at that moment I realized, that if I fill my hands or pockets with to many stones, I will get dragged to the bottom. Always below, suffocating. So I cling on to just the few.

Sometimes other people are here in the stream too, in between the waves, often too far to reach, but sometimes close. Some are scared, screaming and fighting, others resigned, just floating along. Some are alone, but some are together, holding on to each other like life depended on it. And I remember the desperation, longing too for someone to hold. To get close enough to someone to grab on to. So many times I reached out, and sometimes others reached out for me too. We locked hands, for a moment, no longer alone. But you need to hold on tight, for when the waters get rough, it will tear you apart. So many times those hands slipped, sometimes slowly, others violently, leaving scars from nails drilled deep. I still remember the faces as they disappeared in the waves. Some sad, some scared, some indifferent. All swallowed up in a surge of mud. And soon, those memories too will be murky. Like everything else in this godless stream. Where does it end you ask? We all know, because we hear it. That ever-present roar somewhere ahead, always getting closer.

And then I got hit. Someone else, right there in the water with me, flung at me by the currents. We grab on to each other, almost by reflex, like we were somehow meant to do. Not holding hands, but embracing each other. A hug so tight that the water can not get between us. Becoming as one. Forgetting the rush of the waves. Forgetting the cold. And then the waves calm. We let go a little, just floating there together. And there in that moment, I realized there is a sky above. Dark and still, but beautiful. I never saw it, because I was too busy fighting the currents. And I smile, a smile for the first time reflected.

Here, while everything is calm, I withdraw the pebbles from my pocket. Hold them in the palm of my hand and watch them gleam in the light of the stars. Then, with a breathless sigh, I let them go.