Thoughts on Fighting it
It's a monster, schizophrenia, a demon. Possession. Your mind is in there somewhere, in an almost soundproof box, trapped, screaming. Fighting. You know you shouldn't do it. You told yourself so many times. But your body acts on its own, like an automation. It needs it, you need it? The rush, adrenaline. Stimulation and dopamine. It takes you away for a time, blinding you from thought. It's an addiction...
You always told yourself that you can not get addicted. That it is possible to will yourself to fight it. Others talk about tricking yourself, creating habits, circumventing the robot programming. Program in something else. But in a way habits are addictions too? Building habits require will or triggers from the outside. But habits themselves are not will. I have to believe that I can fight it, that I can choose to ignore the whispers of my demons. Choose instead to follow my ambitions, and do the things I really long for. The things that makes me happy. Too much of my life is wasted, being possessed by the beast. The dopamine vampire, that can never ever be truly satisfied.
Even after writing this, my fingers still twitch to follow its bidding. Just a few minutes. Just one more shot. It will be easier afterwards. You need it. The voices tell you that you should maybe do it, if nothing else then to make it quiet for some time.
Fuck it.
It can't control me!
It won't..
At least not for now...