Worse

The last two days have been worse than ever. I feel broken. It might be because of just returning from one week of vacation, but it feels different. Still, this... this what...? Fuck this shit.

It has been a couple of days now. Not sure if it's a depression. I feel utterly demotivated. Sad. Just wanting to give up, even though there is not really anything to actually give up on. Life itself maybe? The silliest thing is I'm actually OK. No stress, no pressure. Lots of free time, if I could only find a way to use it, and get something out of it. But I can't. My mind is clouded. A chaos of stray thoughts. It feels like my consciousness is getting drowned. I can sometimes fight to clear my mind. Take a deep breath and get a few seconds of clear-headedness, but it does not last. As soon as I let go, I get dragged down below again. Into the maelstrom of thoughts. And not actual thoughts, but more like noise and babbling. A constant murmur of incomprehensible voices, that drown everything. At times I can keep the engine going like that, the machine just running by itself, and I get something done. At others I feel completely paralysed. Just clicking, randomly, aimlessly. It can go on for hours. If only I knew what it is, how to fight it.

Build a raft and stay afloat, on top of the waves. Fuck this shit.